Consider yourself lucky to be invited to this exclusive club. This is my first stab at become-what-you-want-to-see-in-the-world, or something. What I want to see in the world is the imaginary grown up my eleven-year-old self needed, at eight or twelve or fifteen, and maybe now.
You are here because you, too, feel things are not right.
This will be some very sad poems, and very petty complaints, and some laments on this blog that are not for the faint of heart, and if you are the pearl-clutching type I would suggest that I will not be your cup of tea.
I’ve earned my stripes, having dedicated two and a half of two and a half decades to reverence, it seems like irreverence should have a turn. I did everything evangelicalism told me, and I ended up losing my sanity, my baby, and my marriage, and the church failed me on every level as my life unraveled. The level of compression that happens to your feelings under evangelicalism is not easily undone, so I suppose I also am writing this blog as an act of faith and love to people who won’t risk blasphemy, or who can’t.
I will risk blasphemy for you, and you can read about it.
The evangelical god is no God, he cannot be.
If a good one exists, I beg to know it, I must find it.
To end the quest at the edge of the cliff is untenable to me; I feel I have encountered Something at many points in my life.
This blog is for you if you have a sick feeling in your stomach that Christianity is corrupted down to its roots, and you are sad and terrified and looking over the edge of all that you would have to unravel to address that, or if you have already taken the the dive over the edge and are free falling.
This blog is because I will not make peace with a theology that tortures and kills people, that lies about certainty, that lies. I won’t make peace with lies. I won’t partly deconstruct, if it’s up for debate, the entire thing is up for debate, and once you find one shitty thing in the Bible that has been modified, you cannot trust who wrote it or who built it or who inspired it, one of the three.
But this blog a place to say a lot of things I can’t say in church.
I think if there is a God worth believing in, if there’s anything at all out there, it must have the balls to handle me.
If not, I’m SOL regardless and there’s no point to any of this. (That is what the philosophers call good old Nihilism and it has some appealing moments).
Point being: the blog is about feelings, not thinking. There are a million great people writing about the thinking side of this, and I just straight up don’t want to. This is a crying and complaining place, and I hope you feel better about not being alone when you leave it than when you come.
I hope you comment, if you’re feeling brave, because lord knows I am not feeling brave about this, and I could use any camaraderie any of you dear souls have to spare.
But I believe there is better out there for me, for us.
I haven’t found a space for lament so I am making one.
Welcome.
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