Hannah Unincorporated

They always told me to respect you and have faith in a gentle God the Father, in a loving God (the Mother, though they hesitate to name you so).

Mother. I have faith in you, to speak to me clearly if you want me to hear. 

I have faith in you, that you would not leave me to die, that in some fashion you have given me my self-possessed will to live, and that want me to use it. So here I am, living, blazing a path, fiercely, clumsily. 

I have faith that you are proud. 

I have faith that if I’m doing something wrong, you will make it clear. 

I have faith that the rapists and murderers running the so called “church” are disowned by you. 

I have faith that you are strong, mother. That you don’t need me to infantilize you. 

I have faith you will not strike me down for the anguish, the rage, a torrent from my mouth, the outburst against the great injustice of my life, that you will not hush me the way they say you hushed Job. 

A mother loves her angry child. A mother does not expect them to understand things they cannot. A mother doesn’t clap a tight hand over a wailing mouth. 

Mother, explain, I beg you. And if not explain, mother, let me scream. 

I have faith that if you do exist, you have reason to be silent, but this does not negate the anguish, the weeping, that this world tears from my chest. 

I have faith that you do not fear me. How can a mother fear her child? The only fear a child can create is to expose the mother’s hidden weakness. 

If you are not weak, you will not fear me. 

I have faith in you to receive my love. 

If you are all knowing, all seeing, then you already know I cannot call you father, cannot set foot in those buildings, cannot pray to you, cannot cannot. 

The old women hush me and look at you with frightened eyes. 

But I am the prodigal. They said you would come running to me, but they don’t believe it themselves. They fear I’ve gone too far from you. 

Catch me if you will.

My faith is strong. 

I believe in power outside time, in love like a roaring ocean, in expansive God, in Trinity (and more), Mother and Father, in Universe, in compassion and truth, in you. 

I believe in you. 

I believe in you, and in your goodness. 

A mother will catch me. I do not fear you. 

If you strike me down for falling, I couldn’t ever have reached you anyway.